Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
