Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
