are you still at the devil's house?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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