True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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