dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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