I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
