god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize