woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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