My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
