So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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