everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
