did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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