a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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