well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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