it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
