She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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