alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
