Have you finally orgasmed yet?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Drunk is a universal language darling
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