i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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