i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
