There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
