hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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