You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
