i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
