Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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