Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
