Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
