would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
