just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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