he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
