What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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