Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
