u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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