Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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