It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
