I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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