My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
