I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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