Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
