i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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