hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
