I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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