3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
