Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
