Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
