____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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