I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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