My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
