It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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