If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize