so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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