im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
