If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The uberlube is also flammable
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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