The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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