Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
