and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I could make wine with my vomit
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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