So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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