Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
